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shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
You stopped believing in fariesTo the boy who never grew up
and parades around in suits,
Make a wish.
You created smiles dusted with magic
and embedded them in my mind.
Pick a place,
In a world within a world
where imagination infects like laughter.
Hold my hand.
We visit one more time
to remember the dreams that once were.
Return home soon
Thicker Than WaterYou lost your life, I wanted to take mine
You always took the easy way out
Sunny California soon became cold DC Winters
Rather send me across the states into mother embrace
Didn’t know then you’d done me a favor
Drugs led to mental descent
Murder was your problem solver
So many secrets I was afraid to expose
To salvage your tarnished history
But these skeletons have been screaming at me for too long
My closet cannot hold a dead man’s baggage no more
Liquor proved to be your undoing
As it was almost mines
Led by example, right?
Mind fooled into believing in forgiveness;
Even shedding tears for your soul
But the lies we tell ourselves always revealed
Even as you lay buried, I feel hatred, callous, pain, malice
Emotions make sense; your blood runs through me
We’re not so different after all.
FriendshipWhat is a friend?
The answer is simple:
A friend is a person from your heart.
A friend makes sure to keep you safe and never permanently harm you.
A friend may fight with you, but both your anger will turn into laughter soon after.
A friend puts a smile into your heavenless day.
A friend jokes around, may it be with stories, art, gibberish, or simply their aura.
A friend is protective and loyal-
if someone hurts you then they are nearly certain to to get on them with facts and persuasion.
A friend has pure empathy for you.
A true friend is to the end, which is never.
A true friend is immortal in spirit and will never leave.
A false friend will die immediately and turn to dust at your feet,
and if you let them,
they will poison you until your soul vanishes and nothing is left but darkness.
But the true friend is an incarnation of love,
forever and always.
in honor of ~Issy-kun
iMy mother gives away kisses
Like handfuls of halloween candy
Given to strangers in the hope
They don't trick her later
So now I don't know how
To keep my affections
Without giving myself away
Little by little each time
In the hopes I can pretend
I'm not tricking them now
My father buys me things
To fill a void
He helped create
It never seems to be filled
So he keeps stuffing it
In hopes both of us
Will feel less guilty at the end of the day
So now I don't know how to feel sad
And I take in selfishness
To fill a void I let open
In hopes I feel less guilty at the end of the day
HomophobiaThere was once a boy in sixth grade who came out as gay. He didn't paint his nails or do his hair different, or even dress different. He just told everyone who he was, how he was born. The next day another boy beat him until he passed out in the hall. When he woke up, all his money was gone and he had the word 'faggot' written on his forehead. Everyone looked at him and laughed, even his so called 'friends.' He went home and cried all night, until he cried himself to sleep. Acts like this repeated until every time someone came near him he shied away. The same boy committed all these acts, an was getting more and more popular by the second. The boy stopped coming to school, and the bully wondered where his victim had went. As he wondered, he wasn't paying attention. He ran right into someone, who automatically put something in the boy's pocket and hit him in the stomach. When he got back up, he held his stomach and pulled the thing the stranger had put in his pocket out. It was a note,
Beaten DownA large grin from ear to ear:
torn off my face.
Why must you beat me down,
do you thrive on my pain?
You must feel pretty damn strong then
but tell me,
do you enjoy
when your one love screams at you
calling you abusive?
Even more so,
I'm done with beating myself down
because of you.
When my last resort is wielding a knife;
I tear myself apart.
I don't want to threaten you
but you leave me no choice.
Although you're definitely not my father,
what kind of "guardian" are you?
Just who do you think you are?
Who is she?She pushes people away
for reasons not clear
Can it be
she likes to be alone
or is she scared
to be on her own
regardless of what her heart says
when she begins to think
she is filled with dread
always second guessing herself
wondering how to please the world
but who is this girl?
she can smile when need be
cry when she's had enough
even if its a single tear
but who is this girl?
obedient to the end
BullyThe helpless nerd
THIS IS A TRUE STORY! IT HAPPENED TO MY FATHER WHEN HE WAS IN TENTH GRADE!!!
When my father was in tenth grade, there was a kid who was bullied all the time. He had big glasses, bad skin and greasy hair. Everyone always made fun of him with hurtful words at school, and when he went home everyday his father would beat him and throw him in a ditch until nighttime. My father and uncle were the only two people who tried to become friends with this boy, but he just refused and pushed them away. Everyone thought it was fun an games, not anything to be concerned about. He started to miss school often. My father stopped worrying about him and started forgetting he existed. The teasing continued, until winter came. My father and uncle got on the bus, as usual. When they got to his house, everyone got quiet, thinking of how to make fun of him that day. Everyone looked out the window, waiting for him to get on. He just stood there. The bus driver honked his horn, and he continue
Red Letter Day - Prologue
So here I am, writing.
I’m writing, I’m writing – just as you told me to.
I’m writing, I’m writing, I’m writing.
Have you ever noticed that when the sun goes down, this flat changes? It does. The walls are white during the day and lingering brown at night. During the day, I’m with you and the light from outside paints the walls that heavenly color. But when that sun goes down, the demons wake and I’m alone again, even though you’re just a room away.
Somehow it seems less threatening tonight, and I think it’s because you’ve given me an assignment to try and fight off the darkness. You gave me a stack of papers and a pen and told me to write everything that comes to mind.
It’s a strange feeling to have complete freedom. These empty pages are mine to do whatever I please – I could even wipe my ass with them – but they’re also terribly intimidating. The blank page has always been a nemesis of man. It&
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^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More