lie to me.
just to make it feel
a little better.
the lies sting
a little less
than anything you've
it always gets worse
before it gets better.
shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
A Letter to My FamilyListen, we're in the sea
You're pushing me under and you won't let me breath
Hey there? You're drowning me.
Some air? That would be nice please.
All I'm saying dear so-called family
Is just to please let me be
I know life is cruel
And I should probably stay in school
Yeah. I know people can't be trusted
And If I steal, I could get busted.
That every man who offers candy
Isn't all friendly and dandy.
Oh Jesus! He died for our sins.
I'll attempt to keep mine to a minimum
But since the holy way is never fun
I might have to add some
I'm just trying to live
And laugh, and grow
I just want to experience life as it is
And I suppose taste the rainbow
Yes skittles are my fav
And love to feel the waves
Crash against my skin
Toes in the sand and the moon is my friend
Mom and Dad, how about setting me free
One day I will have to leave
And I'm trying catch these dreams
Before they all flee
I'm trying to stay up in these battles
But every argument makes me stagger
And then you hit me again wit
FriendsA true friend doesn't care what you like...
Doesn't care what other people think, say, or do
A real friend doesn't turn their back on you
Through Thick And Thin, Through the most grueling tragedy
With no doubt in mind that they'll be here for me
We can count on our friends to remind us who we are
When demons jeer, and taunt with such contempt
That all we feel is a powerful wave of resent
They remind us our purpose, why we came so far
Bonds so fragile and yet intertwined like a needle upon thread
We weave through pain and curve through sorrow
Knowing that our friends will always be there tomorrow
I don`t bite...really!!I`m not a bad ogre
just a harassed person
I won`t roar or bite
if you`d come talk to me
I`m only human you know
just like you are ....see
there`s a soft side to me
you just need to come and ask
no need to be afraid
I`m not a dinosaur
only a cuddly mother
that wants be love you too
life hasn't been easy
is I`m sure for you as well
but we have a common link
that's reason enough to try
I`m sure that he knows
we want to all get on
but its hard to share a son
with his new girlfriend
life is sour enough
so we must do our best
learn to live together
if we are to get along
so come and talk to me
never hide away
want you to feel comfortable
come on, we can really do this
© Lissie Bull. 2014
These MomentsSome memories I hold dear
No matter what came after -
The pain, the loss,
The suffocating feeling of
Helplessness in loneliness -
No storm that followed can take away
The calm of these moments:
The german cowboy's songs, cracked
And drawn through the mangle
Of a once new record player,
The scent and light of tall white candles,
Long legs stretched out beneath my own,
Strong arms holding my small body;
I rested on Atlas' lap
And all of this,
It was enough.
(Tears)Lágrimas de mis ojas cae abajo mi mejillas.
Digo mis amigos <<Yo estoy bien>>
Pero yo no estoy.
Estoy muy ofendido.
Yo merezco amor.
¿Por qué mi hermana tiene amor
y no tengo?
Solomente tengo lágrimas.
No me ama.
Y nuncas personas me amará.
Lucho con mis emociones
Y lucho detener mis lágrimas.
Mis lágrimas han pintado mi destino.
Mi color a negro, me convert.
Saber a exilio y a cansancio
Estuvé muy consolador.
When I am 15 ((Poem))When I was 1
I didn't talk, I didn't walk, I just stared at you
When I was 2
I still didn't talk, But I stumbled my way to you
When I was 3
I knew your face, A Brecon of shining light
When I was 4
You'd wait by the door, to grab my hand and dance with me
When I was 5
I loved Scooby Doo and you always watched it with me
When I was 6
We had a uneasy trip, But we still found a wonderful home
When I was 7
I rode my first bike and there you were watching
When I was 8
I couldn't skate trust me when I tripped and fell, You covered the wound that's where I said thank you
When I was 9
In school, I tried, You wouldn't shout when Dad did
When I was 10
Things seemed to bend, but you still stood and smiled
When I was 11
Dad left but you stood by when I cried
When I was 12
We watched Doctor Who, I loved David Tennant and you did too
When I was 13
We did have some trouble but you still were wonderful
Now I am 14
We watch Supernatural and Sleepy Hollow and you don't mind
The Tale of DifferencesThe Tale of Differences
Me - She
Older Sister - Younger Sister
Introvert - Extrovert
Sloth - Energetic
Brooding - Talkative
Mistrusting - Gullible
Thinks before acting - Acts before thinking
Quiet - Loud
Prefers to sit around - Prefers to run around
Down to earth - High in the sky
Practically imaginative - Unrealistically dreamy
Sings - Dances
Stays away from people - Wants to be with people
Poetic - Concrete
Sarcastic - Straight-forward
In-depth - On the surface
Never swayed by others - Always listening to others
Confused - Easy-going
Suspicious - Carefree
Thinks more than talks - Talks more than thinks
Afraid to look at the mirror - Enjoys looking at herself in the mirror
Heavy-footed - Light-footed
Loves details - Loves simplicity
Practical - Impractical
Reasonable - Has wishes beyond reasonability
Can't express herself in social occasions - Very expressing in social occasions
Doubtful - Sure of anything she's told
Afraid - Brave
Hates being constantly away
The CornerBlack covers his past.
White intimidates his prey.
With both colors, he creates progress.
With his prey's progress.
Obvious Daddy IssuesDear Father
I'd thought you would be the one to bother when I'm scared
When I try to draw you nearer
It's like you run away in fear
Now everything is clear
You were never meant to be a good father to me
I've accepted it
That's how it shall be
For 20 years it has been the same
And I've been taking the blame
I thought I was a bad daughter
Turns out you were never a good father
Part of me still feels like I'm wrong
I don't want to go on and on
I'm wasting your time
More importantly I'm wasting mine.