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shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
Mommy loved...Alright, we're going to go visit Mommy.
Why are we going?
Because it would mean a lot to her. She loved you.
No, she didn't.
How can you say that?
Because it's true. If she loved us, she wouldn't have left us.
That's not fair. She had a problem. She tried to give it up.
But she didn't. She loved the pills more than us. That's why she left.
Sad love and a wish I heard her sniffles;
She tried to hold back,
But I could still hear her
And it made me sad.
Why did she cry?
I didn't want to ask,
Because I knew if I do,
She would only get mad.
I wonder if their love
Has faded away over the years
And now I'm really scared
Whenever they fight.
I knew they often fought
About me being useless,
But now they fight with each other.
Why? I don't know.
I once was really worried
When she had a breakdown;
I couldn't find her in the house,
But she only went out with the dog.
I thought I acted foolish
While others said I didn't
And what I showed with this
Was just how much I care for her.
I often think what would happen,
If their fights go out of control,
Will our family be split into two?
Or will everything be harmonic
Like it was before?
I wonder if their love
Can still be repaired,
And if so, I truly wish
That they could be happy once more.
'F' Wordfor grandmother with
her acid tongue
burning away our
for grandfather with his
for uncle, the gambler
for father with
for mother, anxious,
I love you.
Differences between a boy and a man:Boys play house. Men build homes.
Boys shack up. Men get married.
Boys make babies. Men raise children.
A boy won't raise his own child.
A man will raise his and someone else's.
Boys invent excuses for failure.
Men produce strategies for success.
Boys look for somebody to take care of them.
Men look for someone to take care of.
Boys seek popularity.
Men earn respect by knowing how to give it.
Boys quit and walk away when things get hard.
Men will promise to love you through it all.
Be the best man, best husband, and best father.
I feel like I am a shadowI have these questions in my head.
Like what do other people think about me. Every year, day, second,
hour, and minuet I feel like I am a shadow of every
Dear Dad.You've asked me why.
Why I always hold my hair up high,
mimicking a horses tail.
You've asked me why.
Why I always clade myself in layers,
my jacket constantly covering me.
You've asked me why.
Why I always look down at the ground,
and never directly in someones eyes.
You've asked me why.
Why I'm eating something sweat,
While I should be eating less.
You've asked me why.
Why I stutter, why I always jitter.
Why I'm shy, and why I can be so mean.
I'll tell you why,
the reason I'm like this is....
Because of you.
When I let my hair fall free
you always castrate me.
When I remove the layers
that protect the fragile me,
it leaves me open for your
sharp heeled words.
When I speak you don't listen.
When I open my mouth you get mad.
When I'm around others I can't help but think,
They'll be exactly like you.
And the reason I can be so mean at times,
Is all because of you.
You and IYou and I
You my dad I your daughter
Me and you been so much together
I would go anywhere with you
I would do anything for you
You made me laugh, cry and sometimes both.
You meant a lot to me
I would always tell you about my day...and you would listen
You funny faces, jokes and ways how i miss those
Then on December 11th i came home to see you asleep....only to know later you were dead....
Oh dad i've changed....and I forgot things to your funny voice, your serious face...
I could go on forever on how much....you mean to me
Your little girl-Tedesha
idk manit's pretty fucking
when your grandma
and tells you about this new
b o y.
and all you want to do
is tell her that
grandma, i'm a
and i'm just not fucking
yet you know how
her little cross
c h o k e s
her around the
so you listen to her prattle
and you don't
w o r d
To depression, for creating days without endWake up to the realization that you've been awake
for seconds, minutes, hours.
You've been awake in this warm, dark room
and you don't know how long it's been
but now you're conscious
and it starts again--
the pain, strong and steady, in your chest.
You gain consciousness in this too warm morning
and your thoughts whir in endless loops
because it's either that or face the weight in your chest.
Light breaks though the window, soft and unwelcome
but you take it as a reluctant gift--
a new distraction from the feelings awake in your chest.
Awake, but not conscious.
So you think yourself in circles a little while longer
waiting for those quiet pains
(the constant reminder)
to gain consciousness.
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More