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shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
To My SisterYou dress like a Disney Princess,
And play with pretty dolls;
Your laughter warms our hearts,
Your smile lifts our souls.
You stumble when you walk,
And you can’t say my name;
You dance to invisible music,
Everyone says we’re the same.
You have curly blonde hair,
And big brown eyes;
A smiling flower of a face,
And chubby baby thighs.
You will grow to be big,
And you will change;
You’ll learn the world’s scary,
As much as it is strange.
If I could give you one tip,
And know that you’d follow it,
It’d be: be who you are,
Live like there’s no tomorrow.
Don’t strive for beauty,
Don’t live for lies;
Find beauty in living and
Keep putting beauty into
Other people’s lives.
happy family.and it would make no difference
if these walls could
because even they know when
to keep quiet.
Prodigal's SearchProdigal's Search
Tormented in school, berated at home
A constant need to live this life alone
I finished school to go abroad
My heart weighed with a heavy load
And every step I took then
Echoed with my mother's voice
An empty heart and a sad soul
Need time to recover and become whole
I needed to live among caring men
So I would not relive that life again
But still I heard that woman's voice
I wandered far and away back then
Vowing never to return home again
Haunted and hounded by my mother's ghost
Peace is desired but it has a heavy cost
Only now at the side of one I love
Who heals and soothes with a velvet glove
Does that voice soften and sound like the wind
And drift away like my dreams from my mind
And in the end I realized
That only my father and my sister cared
The former supported me till now more than I knew
The latter supports me at every thing I do
And I no longer hear that awful voice
post-crisiswell, now it's all over and gone
memories linger, and pain
triumphs lost to tear-stains
the worst part is you'll never know why
though you'll try to figure it out, put it to rest
your head tells you to give up,
but your heart won't let go.
There real.You say they are myths?
Well I've seen the truth.
It's amazing how hurt, and lies can get you.
How your mind is like a clock.
A ticking time bomb perhaps.
Sanity is waiting.
Waiting just to be snapped.
You say you don't fear the woods.
There's nothing to be afraid.
The wind feels good across your face.
Well darling, you don't know what game you've started to play.
These stories are all fake you say?
Nothing to fear.
But now you have traveld to the woods.
Fear, the monsters are near.
You say you will play the game.
The game that you have won.
Your not afraid to test your fate.
Say it is all just good fun.
Well don't say okay, he will kill you now wait and see.
For you've met with a terrible fate haven't you?
Or you say you don't sleep.
You just don't feel we'll.
but here comes the prince.
The prince of hell.
A slick of the blade will
Sleep, Little ChildHush, little child,
Close your weary eyes
And rest well
For you are in good hands.
You need not worry what tomorrow brings,
The sun will bring a new day for you,
Welcoming you into this world,
A brand new life awaits just for you.
And do you know what else, little child?
You've got your whole life ahead of you,
Whether that path is a long or short one
Rough or simple
You will make it and if you should
If you should make mistakes
Feel pain or sorrow,
You will grow stronger
And braver someday.
So don’t be scared, little child,
The world is at your finger tips
And when it comes closer
Catch it in your little hands
And hold it close to your heart
Because one day you will be able to see
The love it holds inside for you.
Oh, little child
You don’t even know
How lucky you are to be here,
And maybe you’ll never know,
You might not know for a very long time
You might never know throughout your whole life.
Most people don’t,
And that’s okay
Because you a
vulture of the nighti woke up to the sound
walking the stairs
you're coming my way and
tears start streaming down my face
i try to hide between the sheets, but i know i will be seen
and you will look at me.
lying about pregnancy is
(i'm sorry you were never born)
The Sister from HeavenWhat can I say that can possibly do justice to how incredible you are?!
Macie, you give me so much hope and happiness!
As I write these words I can't help but feel honored to know you
The words escape me that can properly express what you mean to me
You fill my heart with such joy that is so rare to find sometimes.
RPing with you is one of the few things I look forward to most when I go to the library.
Your art is so beautiful!
Your stories are amazing!
Oh, What I wouldn't give to see you in person and thank you for everything!
But the truth is, Macie....
I can never thank you enogh!
I've done nothing compared to all you've done for me, Sis!
You've told me lately to look to the future.
And honestly, the future seems so far away.
All I can focus on is the present
and living from day to day.
I feel like I have no future.
Like I have nothing to shoot for.
My future lies in the love of my friends
Including the most incredible sister!
Macie, U will forever
WhoWho am I?
The crying girl, who puts on a smile, working hard to be her.
Who am I?
Who is she?
The hiding spy, who is nice, only to turn on her back.
Who is she?
Who is he?
The teasing bully, who makes fun of others, hiding his secrets.
Who is he?
Who are they?
Those who command, who think they control, taking power that isn't theirs.
Who are they?
Who are we?
The quiet people, who roam the halls, not sure if they want to be found or not.
Who are we?
Who is she?
The screaming women, who despises life, working to make her living.
Who is she?
Who is he?
The busy man, who is too busy, leaving his loved behind.
Who is he?
Stranger LoveI am not the sunlit wing-print
splayed out on the bedroom wall.
I am not the dark mass forming
in a corner of an airless hall.
I am not the viscous vengeance
where you sink your spinning wheels.
I am not the leaky bucket
hung up on your wishing well.
You are not my soul mate missing
wandering a winter's night.
You are not the sound of angels
singing by a candle's light.
You are not the rasp of fingers
fumbling with a hasp of steel.
You are not the tattered towel
soaking up the things I feel.
I am the oblivious child,
dancing where the wildflowers are.
You are my unwitting captive
lighting up a jelly jar.
Keep in Touch!
Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More