lie to me.
just to make it feel
a little better.
the lies sting
a little less
than anything you've
it always gets worse
before it gets better.
shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
Parents I choose BOTH of you!I was given a choice like red and blue.
The 2 opposite starters,
Fire and water,
Their fates seem true.
Water can put out the fire,
But with the right amount
Of desire it can ignite the flames.
Stop fussing and calling names,
It’s time to look beyond the frames,
And defeat the possibilities like David Blaine.
I know life is ruff,
And everything isn’t meant to be,
But why are you making this a pick for me?
When I get hurt and fall,
Mom makes sure I can stand up tall.
When I’m at school getting overran,
I can always talk to dad.
Who tells me what decisions I should make as a man.
When I see you guys,
I see 2 identical signs,
They both say my number #1 fan.
I love you both equally,
And when we are together like a house of cards,
It always feels like a full-house.
So if it’s up to me,
I feel like it’s time
For you guys to resolve,
But if you guys refuse
And we can’t evolve.
I’ll probably just faint
Or runaway from this battle.
Does God Wear a Brave Smile?They say he is all encompassing you know,
Father, Beloved, Creator. . .
He has an extensive resume I'm told.
I adore God the Beloved,
I marvel at God the Creator,
But I pity God the Father,
knowing when His children were born,
that something so precious,
could be so terrible and cruel.
He could not help it, knowing and crying,
so He took us by the hand and said;
"No matter what, know that I love you."
Then He sent us into the world,
holding a brave smile so we wouldn't see Him cry.
What time of day is it reallyI've been wondering lately...
What time of day it is
What time of day is it?
It's barely light out
But I'm as lively as ever
Now, it's very bright out
But I'm tired as ever
The time of day
My time of day
Doesn't go with time
But it goes with how it feels.
At my lows, it's cold at night
At my highs, it's nice, warm and bright
Time of day doesn't go with the sun
The time of day doesn't follow the moon
It follows the mood.
Fifth HouseHoneycomb homes
Stacked up in little trailer corners
Packed with strangers in our hive
We never fight to protect each other
Because we fear for our lonely lives
If that stinger enters the enemy
It’s a life lost
And left behind
Though we point our stingers at each other
Watch and wait while the future dies inside.
(This is the fifth house, and nothing has changed.)
A Note to MumIllness isn't something love alone can overthrow.
My bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired, I know.
I'll always do my best, though.
And when the doctors don't know which way to go,
You and I must always cling to hopes of a brighter tomorrow,
The projects and dreams that for now we must stow,
Just remember we'll get there, whatever life decides to throw.
HeavenThe earth is more lonely without you.
This place is colder without your warm hugs.
The house is quite without your laugh.
Heaven now has more company.
Heaven is now warmer.
Heaven is now filled with your laugh.
The race of lifeMiles and miles
Across the Earth.
The race where you go on
Night and day.
Through thunderstorms and hailstorms.
Across canyons and raging rivers.
Over mountains and trees
You go, is there an end?
No there isn't.
For this is the race of life.
You might get cold some nights.
You might get hot some days.
You might be disgusted by
the salty sweat that drips down your
Face as you sprint towards the unknown finish line.
This is the race of life.
And for every new life that arrives on Earth
Their race has just begun.
The Fallout of Chaotic Genius: An AutobiographyI have only ever loved like a car crash
like that highway that never sleeps
the one in North Carolina,
blanketed by forests
and animals who do not know how to call it home
the one who confuses
the hum of an engine for a heartbeat
and being left behind for being in love
I have only ever loved like a car crash
like the marathon driver
the one with weary eyes
and an even wearier heart
just wanting to find home
the one with red and yellow headlights
like red and yellow heartstrings splayed across the dark,
a red and yellow spider web catching flies in the collision
I have only ever loved like a car crash
like the deer wandering onto the road
and into its next mistake
the one caught wide eyed and off guard,
going unnoticed until it is too late
the one who mistakes paralysis for acceptance
and swallows blood like the lips of a lover
I have only ever loved like a car crash
this jigsaw tongue leaving craters it cannot fill.
xylophone bones th
sisterTo this girl,
I owe more then just my breath, my heart, my soul, my life, you have been with me through twist and turns.
You don't understand how much you mean in my life.
Through all the shit and crap
you keep our bond strong.
You are a gal one could not forget
Not only have you brought yourself into my life but along the way I met your family and two amazing guys.
Now I hope they know this isn’t about them,
not on this day.
I write this poem about you.
No heartbreak or sorrow
just but about a girl who turned my darkest days into a pretty shade of grey.
A girl I can proudly call my sister
I wish you to understand how much you mean to an unseen girl like me.
You and I come from two different worlds,
but yet stands today were I can proudly say
HAPPY SWEET 18TH
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SISTER
now you and I along with these shitty rhymes
can run away and play a couple of games
where we could win big or go home with a cent or two
well look at the time its a little pass two.
Well once aga