lie to me.
just to make it feel
a little better.
the lies sting
a little less
than anything you've
it always gets worse
before it gets better.
shall i?panic, panic.
all i want to do is panic.
let it bubble over,
let tears spill out,
sob, whine in the back of my throat,
hands shaking, stomach twisting.
i want to panic.
i can't, can't panic.
these pills dull my system,
make me lethargic,
and really, i want to panic,
that'd be more normal for me.
that stupid feelingYou make me crazy
Sending me on this up
And down travel
You don't even realize
I talk to you
And my heart's coming up
And into my mouth
I can't focus
And my breathing is coming out
Labored as I try to control
That panic that you make me feel
And I'm giggling
Covering my eyes
And trying to hide
While trying to figure out
What the hell is wrong with me
And how I could feel this way again
You'll never return the feelings
Never think of me
In the many ways I think of you
And dream of you
But at least I have that
Who comforts me in the night
And makes me feel whole
If only until I wake up
changesi'm learning now,
that change can be good
or it can be bad.
but change doesn't have
to be finite. doesn't have
to be the death
of something good.
i know how i feel.
i live in a state of
the rational part of
me believes that
i'll never be abadoned.
the irrational part
tells me that everyone
else has abandoned me.
just know that i'm here for
you. i'll do anything
and i know you'll be here
i'll try to stop getting up
i'll stop acting like a
i'm not jealous. just scared.
very, very scared.
change can be good,
if we didn't change
as a friendship,
we've never be friends now.
we'd be stuck,
at ground zero.
but we're at the tippy-top right now.
maybe he could be more important.
but we're still friends.
so much like sisters.
that if he's more important,
we're still close.
i understand this now.
i'm beginning to
change is good.
and i'll be around forever,
even if you start
to go away.
quantificationi cannot properly quantify
the number of times you make my heart beat,
but sometimes you make it
skip a few times.
you've sunk so deep into my pores,
that it's hard to imagine which cells are mine,
and which cells are yours.
when i sit next to you,
it's like our souls mesh together
until they're one,
until we could never be separate.
it's just me, not you, at allI'm sorry for the way I act,
I know it pushes you away.
my mind won't stop
thinking of the worst.
until the anxiety grows and grows,
and I feel angry, for no reason.
I keep acting irrationally, and
keep pushing you away further.
it's the last thing I want,
I just need someone to understand,
that I don't realize what I'm doing
until it's far too late.
I'm sorry to you too.
I act needy, so you've said,
and get too easily offended.
but you've been there for so long,
and I'm just scared,
that you'll leave me like the rest,
because you don't like the person I've become.
I changed too much,
need meds to control my brain,
and then I just push you further
sometimes I just can't bring myself to breathe,
because I look too far into the future.
where you're leaving me,
for what I don't know, but that is the part
that scares me the most.
and I'll be alone in this world,
with no one but myself.
if nobody else wants me around,
I don't either.
cracks like crevasseswhen the sun sets, and dusk falls upon us, there's a blanket that sweeps over you. the rapid pitter-patter of your heart, and we're falling apart, aren't we? this is not the way i wanted it to be, but this happened, and you can't help but choke on the bile of your forgotten innocence. and i really hate you, for everything that you've done and never admitted to. this is our forlorn story, and i can't bring myself to forgive you for all of this.
i speak like i know what i'm talking about, even if the sting of defeat is looming right over my heart. i push forward and pretend that your prying eyes aren't wrapping around my neck until i choke. until i see sparkles in the corners of my eyes, and wrap my fingers around your throat, and i hope you can't breathe. i hope your deception digs you a grave and buries you alive.
i was okay, i really was. i was floating on a cloud, up in the sky. until it dissipated from beneath me and i was crashing back down to the ground. breaking and crumbli
messi'm a big mess.
i remember the thin skin
pulled across the bones
of your skinny fingers.
mascara slips under my eyelids.
i can't breathe.
need to breathe.
i love you.
miss you desperately,
it kills me.
no, i can't be happy
that you even lived.
because your body's
buried away in california.
you were under the sheet.
and i never got a proper goodbye,
as i sat with my legs underneath
and cried as i saw your hand peek
i got rid of the biohazard bag,
that they put your rings in.
papa shouldn't have given me
the bag back.
it destroyed me.
i can't breathe.
"why does she have to be gone?"
no one ever gives me
a good enough answer.
i didn't just die a little inside,
i was completely obliterated.
even when i say i'm alright now,
i know it'll never be just fine.
because, i can't breathe...
the things you doyou're terrible for me.
the things you do,
can drive me insane.
you ignore me.
i move on.
but when you start talking again,
my heart gives a few flutters.
it's back again.
and i hate you for it.
really like you for it.
synecdochemy mother's gotten fat off of my promises,
empty calories that just go straight to her
i made a meal out of truth once, set it down
for both of us to eat. she cleaned
her plate, asked for dessert-
threw it up later that night, said she forgot
how thin these walls are,
took the liberty of damning me to hell before
slamming the door.
god says to stop feeding her bullshit
from a silver spoon, tells me
you're so full of shit, your eyes are brown
every time i try to explain.
he tells me to leave so i go home
and pick my prayers from the pile under
get some elmer's clue and hope to hell
PaternalWhere do your dreams walk, my dear? Drowned in a puddle?
Trampled and jailed to an elegant shoe soled? Where do your hopes walk?
Where do them? Your broken face only arouses disgust in me for this world.
Look what you did to yourself! How pitiful became your status. Didn't raise you to be this way.
And didn't let you in this world to rot so fast. Why did you drop out my hand? Your mother would regret?
Your mother would protest? Your mother had courage enough to give birth to you in this world of shit,
and deliver you into my arms. Only the two of us, my princess.
I taught you the basic living. Taught you enough to not starve. I taught that no one is trustworthy.
I taught that there is no good or evil, just a bunch of confused and selfish people who will do whatever it takes
to get what they want. Taught you that laws exist only as an excuse to mask the pettiness and greed
of a bunch of animals that during the daytime wear suits and ties, discourse about justice and sciences,
and at the
Holding on by
That had once
But all bonds
Where they break.
Can be made
Things will never
Be the same.
huron's daughteri think the happiest i have been in the last year
was when i went to the beach mid-jury
and ran into the cold waves on that overcast day
and it’s so stupid and simple, that this body of
water, these waves
are where i find home
where the memories of my childhood summers
wrap around me and do not make me sad
the hard rocks at the shore pressing into my feet
causing me to smile because i spent so
many years collecting them
sitting in the shallow for hours just to find the
most beautiful, smooth ones
i had missed the rocking i could feel every evening
after pretending to be a mermaid
scooping mud from the bottom, spreading
it on my skin like i was a creature of the lake
and i think of the moment i felt the warm sand on my toes
when i took off my shorts and bounded into the freezing waves
was when the loneliness and heaviness of the last year broke
off of me, even for a small moment
and my friends took me for a lunatic
wondering how i could so freely take the shock to my body
and my s
Openthe softness of cotton against inked flesh.
a finger trailing delicate details; intricate details
shivering skin with a trembling hiccup
eyes meet and smiles spread.
a single thought travels between two minds
words unspoken; unneeded because hearts are open
017. Vengeance -- the yogurtmy mother told me
a yogurt is plenty lunch
for a girl like you
and water to drink
but i'm so hungry by 5
so before she comes home i eat
so much more than yogurt
and it comes back up
and when my belly is empty my head hurts
and i get so tired
and i take 1two3four567 some kind of pain pills
greenish inside me
and i hope they will help me sleep and they do
make me sleepy
and vomit greenish
and get sleepy
and she comes home and sees me
smelling bad and looking green and says
you're shaking like a leaf and i say
maybe it was the yogurt
SoonThere will come a time
Snow falls on a silent home
Against the shrill winter light
Footsteps will no longer pad
Over squeaky floors
Familiar scents of cooking and love
Will no longer emanate
From the well-worn kitchen
Will remain dry
And free of random debris
Though the cupboards
Are not bare
They will be lonely
As will I
In this house
Used to be a home.
Love youMom I love you so
You been the mother and the father
I tell you I love you
I have never said words that are meant to hurt you
I tell you I don't care about my father, my name
I got you
Momma I love you
never yelled that I hate you
I will always have the utmost love for you
Even though I don't have words to tell you the most of it
I'm still not sure why of it
But You the mother and the father
I don't care about my father
as long as I got you
I don't need him
I got you
and all jokes aside
You of all people should know how much i love and respect
You of all people should know that
My father don't mean nothing
My name isn't nothing
Now I'm getting off subject
I love you, and the rest of my family
You The mother and the father
I got you
I love you